TopNightofNights!

Janelle Monae@Schuba's and i was >this< close

scored the drum stick and a poster

got to know a band i didn't know NOTHIN about... the54

got their album... their signatures... their photo

caught a cab... found $60

I win... Man.. claimed this month, and it twas mine... manana- my Birthday!

Usually I don't do this but Uhh...

So... when it comes to emotional things... I am no pro.

You'll prolly be able to kiss me before I admit I like you. like I wont even say it after... you'll hear it like... weeks down the line. or in past tense when its all over and done.

Instance #1 dated a Thug when i was 18ish... remained cool... proper... only spoke to him when he called... only texted him when he hit me up. told me his secrets... showed me his guns. I learned to roll blunts from him. he took care of me. It was only after I left him that summer for freshman year... and saw him the following summer That i broke down and cried in his arms because I missed him so much.

Instance #2 First "adult" relationship we went right into shackin up. I was... 21. we struggled together... had the best times practicing the arts of LaDonna, small repairs... folding towels. laundry and using the warmer for dinner when he was out late... That man made me smile more often than not... but he didn't know it. I kept many to myself. like... doin laundry together and rubbin his ashy feet was a pleasure. lol We ended... and today I'm basically 27 and this is one of the first times I told him I love him without prompt. funny.

Instance #3 before my LAex became my ex... and we were just dating of sorts... lol i pushed him away.. only to admit that I kinda liked him while i was outta the country for a month. only to return and clam right back up like i never said a thing. He moves for his studies... and the week up to the move... I helped clean his place... and avoided him the rest of the week. and broke down over the phone. couldn't even tell him to his face that i'd miss him. funny.

Instance#4 Yea LAex... is now the ex... we spent a wonderfully dysfunctional week together while i moved. and I don't think i ever showed so much emotionally... voluntarily... until that week. almost 3 years later and I had a plane to catch.

Instance #5 the one that waited here... not sure if i was ever really in love there... but. he would often complain of me never being able to tell him freely that i loved him the way he loved me. I chose to actions more than anything there. lucky me.. he did more than enough to get on my nerves... so loving him was often in question. and... End Scene.

brings me to today... Instance #6 this one has been in my life and up the block from my world for years... like toddler years. He's watched me grow through all stages. witnessed and experienced the foolishness of my youth. All the while I psyche myself into ignoring him... romantically at least. So many little things make me giggle secretly about him. things that set him apart from the rest of his tribe. but he'd never know it.

asked him if he'd ever psyched himself out... slapped sense back into reality when he ever found himself drifting to an idea that doesn't need to exist. he claims no... so... i should practice that one. stop slapping. be in it. entertain it in mind and in action... let's see how this goes.

I never got to those feelings with women... romantically. Often they left me because of my wandering eyes... or thinking they could change me from Bi...to women only. didn't happen when they wanted so... dunzo.

I have no qualms about sharing any and every emotion with my friends... well hey captain obvious. i'd never been friends with any of these cats first. as with rich relationships should be. hmph. It was that pseudo-friendship that happens when you are makin the unspoken decision of categorizing a person. you know when you're still in the window of platonic VS romantic.

k... rambled enough. just needed to see for myself all the times I behaved like a punk chicken baby (miss my girl!) so be able to kick the punkchickenbaby in the guts now so i can move onto this lil diddy of a confession.

later.

DoMeGood

I'll tell you... anything you... wanna... hear.

that's about all that needed to happen...

make me ache... that when i wanted to return to the "act like a lady mask" that every time i crossed my legs... i had to bite my lip.

That's what i needed you to make happen...

iont care if the neighbors know your name or start believin that God really is in my apartment... and Satan's snickering in the other room cuz you have me cursin So much.

That's what could've calmed away this crazy that said FUCK you, i'm done....

Relieve My Stress...
Find every muscle and caress the days in my body away...
Make me a Meal... I'll even giggle under my breath if you burn it. and give you kisses the whole time...
Scratch Me... Bite Me. Tug Me... Have your way. I won't Mind...
Use every gift God gave you... I have no problem singing your raises
when you...
do. me. good.

Spring Music Series...

Coachella 2010(04. 16-18.2010) and Lolla 2010(Summer)

Janelle Monae but LOVE this... let it give you LIFE!!!

( c/o Blind_I) in concert in chicago 03.29-30.2010 at Schuba's album drops in May


Flying Lotus 04. 02. 2010@DoubleDoor


Little Dragon 04.01.2010@Lincoln Hall


JayZ 03.18.2010@United Center

Gorillaz (the real vidJo) is AMAZING!

album released 03.09.2010


Erykah Badu album release 03.30.2010


Again Suite for Ma DukesXMiguel A-FergusonXMochilla DVD set drops 03.30.2010


Corinne Bailey Rae 04. 22. 2010@The Vic


Foreign Exchange 04. 15. 2010@Double Door


Bilal 03. 27. 2010@Double Door gone miss this one... Birthday Festivities!!!


ooooo and kanye... back to silliness miss him... "babi what's your disposition... have u eva tried DIS Position?!?!? LMAO

enjoy the music... New Weather... New Time... New Season and Smells in the Air. Be Happy!

On Some Hypocritical Shit

Kinda Just a Continued Rant...

A friend of mine... his girl is pregnant... wait... let me start this off again

If i failed to mention I'm BiSexual... the term I'm suggested I use. We wont get into waxin philosophic about my issues with that right now... just take it as that. So some ppl wanna enter my life for that simple fact... either for exploitation... curiosity or for their own "freak" needs... anywho...

I was invited to join them in the bedroom... I was turned off by the thoughts of gettin it in with a pregnant woman... mind you... it's still an embryo. But i was not tryna get in that at all. Iono what my issue is...

hypocritical moment- I will be pregnant one day... and me and my partner better be gettin it in until i cant see my feet... I have a book of positions that are appropriate for after then too... so... *shrug*

I also have an issue with men that have created lives with other women... anything over 1 out of wedlock will not be entertained by me, at least easily, anyways. Somethin about it just makes it unsettling. Like I can't see a future there. I want children of my own, the sickness, the belly, the labor, the first steps, the first time i'm called mama... and putting that "burden' on another once they've experienced it so many times before me... seems hella selfish. so future's are killed there.

HCM#2- i'm in debates on if I'll really be able to slow down long enough to really be ready for parenting...

Ok... back To Bi... hmmm... I kinda sorta accept those lesbians that do not want me because of my choice. Ion't really get it... but ok.

HCM#3 I have trouble wrapping my head around my partner... if male... being Bi. odd I know... But I can also kinda accept it... at least he's telling me from jump. no downlow mess. and we'll always and forever plus 2 hours use protection.

You find your own hypocritical moments?

Best Msg Ever.

"I wanna be called Honey by you again, not ________"

Ppl... if you only knew how much that meant... for us both.

ok... i leave you with something that shouldn't piss you off. Old Spice and a Gift from My daddy!



Enjoy Your evening... it's almost Friday!!!!!

In The Spirit of Spring Cleaning...

I think I'm gonna publish all the posts left in my drafts... hmm... or should i wipe em out... No i'm publishin. Stay Tuned.

Good Luck Chuck...

But the girl version... let's call her Charolette

the day I found out he proposed... to her.
I mean I realize I am not the one You could necessarily take home to momma... but I am someone's epitome of Most Amazing. I could not be the girl in church hats... herding our flock of children. I'm loud at times... have many opinions. our children probably wont Live in the US their first few years of life. I can cook the hell out of a holiday and sunday... every day dinner... but I will still look at you crazy if you expect me to hang in the kitchen like that... GET a Pizza. Pardon me while this turns into mounds of rambles from recent(enough) experiences....

When he finally found the one... shortly after me.
Most definitely a great thing... that love was found. a love that was ready... was i THAT much? lol or maybe like a rabbit's foot... kinda gory to have around... but brings so much good forth in your universe

do i make you see yourself? that you want a girl to submit? that you want a girl who sees only you? that a girl will look to you and i'm not that girl? that for now... you are still considered an option til further notice and i wont sugarcoat that? Until more is shown to make you the priority... thats where you linger? does that bother you? CHANGE ALL THAT TO PAST TENSE... HE'S ALL GONE. MOst definitely for the better of the both of us.

*sigh* he tagged me as super independent... free spirited... does that mean it makes me infertile? does that mean it makes me not want to have my life's partner? no... It just make the time I open my life to child bearing not the priority of the week... as well as finding/having/courting said partner.

found out that an old friend's girl is having a baby... he wanted me t sleep with her(didn't see that comin... didja?) but hearing that she's pregnant... kinda disgusted me. I mean I heard pregnant yoni is nice for all kindsa random reasons... but I don't own a dick with nerve endings or sperm, so... *crickets* and *shrugs*

I don't have issues dating ppl with children... but i don't jump at the chance to date someone who has more than one already... what if you're "my love" and by the time I'm wantin babies... you've decided and made a promise to yourself to have that vasectomy or whatever... cuz you've had too many before we met. Plus I've been able to still meet men with out any children...so I believe they're still out there... meh.

Hmmm... what other randomosity can i spew at you in this moment... AH! I know....

Spring may come to Chicago Afterall... Look at my darling Puppy! Birthday's 21 days away! I went crazy in my place last night so I re-positioned my furniture. I have a piece to finish for one of my girlfriends and another to start of my own... maybe those'll be a blog sometime soon too...








All random enough... yes?

Checkin On IN!!!!

Just a Quick Checkin only Tuesday and I'm exhausted. I have a great game face right? Survive your Week!

I believe in Tomorrows...

SunDay FunDay

Hi All!!! Today I got to see Alice in Wonderland with a couple of my New Favorite Girls


You Have to understand How Much I LOVE the story... the imagery. I appreciate Time BUrton's angles. He did well in communicating some of the most entrancing moments and characters. I love when artists make Great things with their muses.

Ate well at Grand Lux... Nom Nom NOm NOm!

And scored another unannounced Birthday Gift!

Me Like It... Me Like it Alot!

What a Girl Wants...

So... Birthday!!!!!
What would I Like?

This Coffee Book/Photo Book Whenever it's released


Well... Mochilla's Timeless Boxed Set. (GiftToSelf)


This Ring by Elizabeth Cole(GiftToSelf)


A Trip where I can just relax on the beach, eat fruit and drink clean... pristine water...


Tickets to Coachella and/or Lolla
Friends
Family
Food
Laughter
Spring
Tattoos... i have about 5/6 more to get this year
Music...More and the Gods(and my Best Friend heard my cries!)
Art... More for my house... more out of me...
Books... Out with the Old bring in the New
Cupcakes... I love Those. and Candles... just the 2 and the 7'll do. lol
Earnest Practice in my Birthday Tradition... You should try it Too... I'll tell you on your birthday
*don't worry i wont have you carry the heavy parts... i got it. I'm GROWN!*

MissTical NeGro- The Family

I come closer to this... Just questions...

Does anyone believe in the tribal community anymore?
Working collectively in your home to benefit the greater good in your community?
We all like to think we're contributing our fair share... but what is it we're really doing?

Returning to or creating a new form of these communities... do you think it would keep families together?

MissTical NeGro C3

That Woman...

Perhaps she's like This?

Return to This.

oh and This.

And now...

I read and have seen many things surrounding the existential question- "why are there so many single black women?" and have also heard and read a plethora of answers/solutions etc etc etc. Let every black woman answer for herself please...

I get it I get it... you want us more submissive... but you do understand... some women have started their families before this man came around and because the one that had sown his seeds and neglected his crops... Women have had to take on even more roles. the masculine to show our sons... the strong, brash, arrogant to silence the world because we are so short of cheerleaders for girls. We use this strength in place of trust because there have been many.. or one... that abused it. So we find blocks in trusting that you intend to do right by us... that you will aim in providing for us and the family you may wish to create... we see struggle in believing that you are capable at times, because... I'm sorry... majority rules... it is most seen... that few are incapable of doing so. We see it as "middle man" philosophy... why make way for you... when we've been proven to do it alone.

I am not only a client to this habit... but I realize there has to be more softness to me than my skin... the cushion on my frame... the volume and tone of my voice.

I understand that I have to allow you to step up and meet challenges.. I'm just so damned impatient. That I believe as a Leader(one that another follows) that you should already have internal initiative. I don't have to encounter or create a challenge bka a test to see this trait within in you, well I shouldn't have to.

Myabe I'm just in a moment where I wanna work at becoming better at being that woman again. *le sigh*

Enjoy this... Think of what you Need to do to receive a woman ready to provide as in the poem... and ladies... think of how we can continue reaching closer to the words.

MissTical NeGro C2

Sorry gotta continue a lil bit about the MenWe(i)Miss

WHERE ARE THE MALCOLM'S, KINGS, MANDELA'S?

I'm sorry I just want someone that's worthy of me following their lead...



we'd follow right?

MissTical NeGro C1

Like a Novella of sorts...

So... the other day. I started a small short quiet blurb about wanting someone that moves me. discussing roles, character traits of who that one could be. Today I pose the question

WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE OUR FATHERS????

I'm sorry(although unapologetically so) that I was blessed to grow up in a 2 parent home. My folks worked, I was middle class perhaps teethskin right below or whatever to some standards. We had opportunities to travel, discover "nice" things... but my father... he was also about pullin his boot straps up.

He emancipated himself at 16, left the country life of Kentucky, joined the Navy fought in 'Nam, became a line cook and teacher shortly after. Met a woman, set his sights on her, declared he was gonna marry her and achieved his goal. Then came me.

My dad was awesome. He taught me how to finish a basement, do simple car and plumbing repairs. Took me on trips, hugged me, chopped it up with me in his El Camino about life when i was only 7. Taught me how to whistle on long walks to my preschool when i was 4. Introduced me to the art of Picasso and paraded me all around downtown so much that i knew nothing of the projects. Thinking that downtown was the only thing that made Chicago beautiful. He built me a swing set and sandbox. He taught me gardening and planted roses in the garden cuz he saw how mesmerized i was with them on a "nursery trip" My dad read poetry, laughed heartily, spoke to everyone on my block in lengthy conversations as i rode my big wheel around him and his friends in circles.

I fought goooood with my nephew once. We broke even since he lost a tooth and i got stitches. Came to the emergency room, and the doctor had to numb my forehead... all i screamed was daddy. He swooped in, took my hand, squeezed it and told me to just look at him.

My dad would wake me in the middle of the night, because he was preparing one of our holiday dinners and wanted me to be his taste tester... it's how i learned to cook- sleep walking and talking with my dad. crumbling cornbread and making toast for dressing. Sitting in his boat and fishing with him. watching from our back porch as he sat under our willow tree scaling it for the fish fry that summer (i was allergic)

He taught me how to "Step" adore vinyl and introduced Coltrane and Miles to my 3rd grade studies. Put me in arts classes and summer school every year. Bought me a Mac when they first started receiving the hate. Indulged me in the festivities of ChinaTown during their new year celebrations... so close that i touched the dragons and ate rice candy til i curled over in tummy pain. and was right there with jasmine tea to ease the ails.

My daddy taught me principles, values... humor and that there are no limits to who i was gonna be. He taught me about no's as well as no's that are not to be accepted just because of my external appearance. He made me love books and debates. He pushed me through my education. He let me know when i was goin on the deep end.

My daddy spoiled me. Made birthdays HUGE to-do's. Took his "ladies" traveling and stayed in nice places. Stole time from work so we could spend our christmas at the sheraton shopping on the mag mile and letting me get away with murder on his bank account in FAO. Hear him tickin away in the basement putting together my toys... he was a great santa. his presentation skills were NOICE... thoughtful indeed.. perhaps why presentation is so important to me... and the roots of LaDonna Reed even. He covered each milestone with importance...

I never wanted to disappoint him and what he wanted for me.

WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE OUR FATHERS???

The men that make me actually care about the possibility of having said disappointment. the ones that make me thinking completely through everything and its consequences. have me create foresight. The men that make me wanna do little, average, magnanimous acts of appreciation adoration and celebration in honor of their character and accomplishments? Men that make me wanna put in work in EVERY arena of my life and not just the bedroom and the kitchen. Ones that respectively challenge me and make me continuously step my game up just to stay in step with him. Where are the ones that help my values mature...

I miss those days... I miss those men. I want one of those when i decide to reach motherhood...

I can't be one sided... I'm sure some men question WHERE ARE THE WOMEN WHO DESERVE GREATNESS? ya'll already have plenty women tryna be/replace/emulate ya momma's while still resting on their knees...

Part 3 to come...

MissTical Negro-a Preface

Celebrated one of my best friend's birthdays this weekend... ended the night in the car, heat blasting... talking about current relationships/non relationships. why i've been avoiding them and came to some conclusions... which led to more thoughts... ideas... questions in need of answers.

I. am. single. and may very well be until my soul's partner presents themselves.

I've always wanted someone that will inspire me to move mountains. someone that will thrill me to share my private heart. someone that moves me... so i have no choice other than to move them.

but alas... I am single.

The guy i'm predominantly dating right now... asked me why i wont just give in. why he has to break me down when he loves me and wants me. I told him I was traumatized.

He knows my past relationship. the one that ended and brought me back to Chicago. I wasn't traumatized by him literally. but that relationship, as with any, i guess... has effected me to my core. I loved that man and didn't know all the ways to work at it... show it... share it. I loved that man... to the point that i entertained compromising myself for the sake of that love. I shifted myself... my plans... for the maintenance of that love. This year... I was supposed to be preparing to be a Mrs. and a mother.

Instead...i'm at square one so to speak. In a good way. Finding my footing again, working back towards the path I was set to follow...

Anywho. during that talk with my girl... she asked the same as he. My response. simple. I can't imagine going any less than where I had been and was willing to go for a relationship now. I cannot imagine doing any lesser for the next person. So until I feel that it's time for me to "go hard in the paint" again. I will not. I'm not ready to give all of that once more.

She then goes to say... well you've been dealing with him for some years now... that says something. but does it say, he ain't it? or does it say that he's it?

Later... we fall into conversation about roles... roles of Men. what we remember Men to be... what we need hope and want them to be... which days later, also brought the VV side- what about us as women? what is it that men are REALLY deep in their roots... wanting, needing, hoping to hold in the woman they choose?

Keepin my word... Part 2... 3... 4 even, in the days ahead.

Goodnight all.

MARCH 2010

Hey Everyone! Keeping my word in posting EVERY day in March... Better Vlogs. Posts. and allladat to come. GoooooooDNight