Some people might think...

I'm a heartbreaker... and after listening to this song, playing repeat many many times over and gettin into my Tivi groove EACH time via the Lipstick Diaries Mix... (yea I'm late... or maybe early for some) I think i may be. Enjoy

Say Word?!?!?!?

so at 5'8... on  Tivia...^^^^^^ This is what 188 lbs looks Like. ^^^^^^ I know TMI for some ppl, just ignore the nipple. I don't do that much on iPhoto to know how to block that out. CLEARLY why i stay off the scale, I don't own one and never cared much to always check.  Figured I'd know when i was TOO big- I'd see rolls, stretchmarks from weight gain and not the ones from the growth spurt when puberty met me at 4'11 and shot me to 5'6 in the course of one summer. I was devastated when I got off the scale in his office.  At that point I decided I needed to lose 30 lbs. Im sure I'd look like a crackhead.  Doctor says lose 20. ok. I dont even know where to take it off from. I mean yea my legs are big, but they don't jiggle. Thats the only weight I see. I wear smalls in shirts, 8s everywhere else... well... ok 32s in jeans. I HAVE 43 inch hips DAG NABBIT! And for the most part, I can still feel my pelvic bone just by grazing the side of my hips, so I thought I was in good shape. I even got neurotic enough as to think I HAVE to have some kind of medical condition, like calcium buildup overload in my bones and that's why i'm so heavy.  I've never been one to care for having abs and all that extra muscle, wanted to save that for the boy.  I've always been relatively proportionate in height and weight.  Dealt with being so skinny my nephew used to joke and call me a kid from Somalia. Supposedly skinny in highschool but weighed 147 my entire highschool "career"  same height though... so i guess, maybe I was kinda skinny cuz 40 lbs later... I don't look that bad.  Gained a few of course throughout college, and ppl were happy to see me with the weight.  The Freshman 15... became the undergrad graduate weight of being officially 168 for many years until apparently the last 2.  I'm sorry... just in disbelief, although I look at me everyday.  See, I kne/ow it was bound to happen. I left the daily gym days and 300 crunches behind with my cheerleading uniform in 2001. Left it up the the one Above, eating better, walking and living in the city and being active in the classrooms of the children I teach.  But apparently, I have to accept I am getting older, I can't get away with just not doing anything intentional anymore.  There was never a plan to be this close to 200 lbs. EVER. Not even when I'm gonna use the excuse of being pregnant to eat whatever THE HELL I want. Nope. I even had the intention of being away from double digit clothing until then. But 10s and 12s for my lower half came and went... and remain thanks to 32s being needed in premium denim. GAHHHH I'm over it. Me and this body will get along, I love it, I just have to be better about showing it.  Yea, no... there are no resolutions in this blog as to how that's all gonna happen. I have to get to the bottom of it first before i start workin out the wrong places all willy nilly. Im gonna meet with my friend and personal trainer first.  No one knows how much of a big girl complex I've had.. for years. and I really don't wanna get into it now either. sorry.  There have been laughs offered the day I found out... and just remembering the funnies that have been shared about my weight over the years... 


" Momma Solid...; I could see those hips getting bigger for childbirth... you'll look gooood; you got some Birthin' hips Woman...; you're not heavy, u look good, awesome naked i SWEAR i'd tell you otherwise...; Clearly you wasn't meant to a little gal... Just remember muscle weighs more. You may just have a solid body...."


I. am. solid. SOLID as a Rock... a 5'8 brownskinned one. I'll keep it up top whenever... however... I come to some conclusions and plans. I KNOW BIKRAM is comin back in my life... Red Meat is goin away until my body screams for the iron once a month or my anemia really gets the best of me. flirty girl? are crunch gyms still in chicago... they had a workout I was interested in. guess I'll say hello to crunches again... le sigh. more updates to do. 


Tiv

Just a day...Just an Ordinary Day

woke up this morning, simple as it began...
tank top + boyshorts... ridiculous bed head and...
it. hit. me.
The bottom fell out, yo.
I miss LA and I'm sayin it.
I'm moving back and I'm sayin it.
Soon and I'm sayin it.
Lately I've been physically feeling
every.
single.
thing.
Confusion= scalp itches
Anxiety= legs weaken
Heart Break= feel it beating stronger to repair itself
happiness= my cheeks tickling and i take in so much more of life... breathing DEEPLY, like my lungs wanna be on the outside of my shell

I'm moving back w/my dreams, connections and actions and plans... whowantsummadispie?
lesson in tow- one must live and overcome challenges in their WombHome before being able to make it happen in unchartered territory

Twinges.