Paved Way

who knew a dream like that could come true? ehhh?
I'll be creating, developing and implementing a "new" curriculum. from my own source of well educated scratch and the support of a team of my mentors. this works sooo well for my doctorate in Curriculum Design and CV

developing an art studio for young children... completely Cart Blanche[redundant].... with a NIIIIIIIICE fund :-)

redesigning playgrounds at 3 sites... again with a NIIIIIIIIICE fund :-)

consructing a greenhouse to support local harvesting and start some self sustaining practices and education about botany and additional green practices on the SouthSide again for young children

bringing the approach of Reggio Emilia to children on the SouthSide. an approach that encourages, reflection, humanity, social justice. social constructivism, the arts, an image, no a strong value in children being born capable, one of research, one of expression one of greatness if we plan on ensuring that our american children WILL become competitive in the global society, one that puts power back into their hands... molds them into active and aware, voice and resource carrying citizens.

me... 4 years in the game... this is what i get to do.

*assurance that this life is STILL gonna be AWESOME*
Thanks, Universe... Imma do right by you :)

Love's gotta be a Black Woman

Love... is strong
gracious
elegant
loyal
regal
enduring despite pain
ride or die
resourceful
a lil bit of everything beautiful
penetrating
honest and occasionally ugly
worthy
commanding and occasionally demanding
heavenly
nurturing
a protector
guarded
grounded
mother and child
ambitious
a fighter
here... whether you wanna acknowledge it or not

I'm SO convinced. and yes... maybe I'm biased... cuz I mean... I do so happen to be a Black Woman

Built Upon Songs...

Some Songs that have molded my love

amel larrieux- make me whole
                       no one else
                       didja know(from her time with the original Groove Theory)
                       earn my affections
                       for real
                       weary

heather headley- he is

esthero- thank haven for you

anita baker- angel

tamia- last first kiss
           into you

b mcknight- never felt this way

PPP- stay with me

Bilal- all that i am
          for you
          all i need

lauryn hill- tell him
                  nothing even matters

liv warfield- waiting

angie stone- brotha

aretha franklin- daydreamin

D'Angelo-when we get by

Ray Saadiq-Still Ray

india arie- ready for love

the list goes and grows... but that's definitely off the top of this dome. we could dig into the lyrics too... but just listen to the songs.. however you have them... need to find them

Some people might think...

I'm a heartbreaker... and after listening to this song, playing repeat many many times over and gettin into my Tivi groove EACH time via the Lipstick Diaries Mix... (yea I'm late... or maybe early for some) I think i may be. Enjoy

Say Word?!?!?!?

so at 5'8... on  Tivia...^^^^^^ This is what 188 lbs looks Like. ^^^^^^ I know TMI for some ppl, just ignore the nipple. I don't do that much on iPhoto to know how to block that out. CLEARLY why i stay off the scale, I don't own one and never cared much to always check.  Figured I'd know when i was TOO big- I'd see rolls, stretchmarks from weight gain and not the ones from the growth spurt when puberty met me at 4'11 and shot me to 5'6 in the course of one summer. I was devastated when I got off the scale in his office.  At that point I decided I needed to lose 30 lbs. Im sure I'd look like a crackhead.  Doctor says lose 20. ok. I dont even know where to take it off from. I mean yea my legs are big, but they don't jiggle. Thats the only weight I see. I wear smalls in shirts, 8s everywhere else... well... ok 32s in jeans. I HAVE 43 inch hips DAG NABBIT! And for the most part, I can still feel my pelvic bone just by grazing the side of my hips, so I thought I was in good shape. I even got neurotic enough as to think I HAVE to have some kind of medical condition, like calcium buildup overload in my bones and that's why i'm so heavy.  I've never been one to care for having abs and all that extra muscle, wanted to save that for the boy.  I've always been relatively proportionate in height and weight.  Dealt with being so skinny my nephew used to joke and call me a kid from Somalia. Supposedly skinny in highschool but weighed 147 my entire highschool "career"  same height though... so i guess, maybe I was kinda skinny cuz 40 lbs later... I don't look that bad.  Gained a few of course throughout college, and ppl were happy to see me with the weight.  The Freshman 15... became the undergrad graduate weight of being officially 168 for many years until apparently the last 2.  I'm sorry... just in disbelief, although I look at me everyday.  See, I kne/ow it was bound to happen. I left the daily gym days and 300 crunches behind with my cheerleading uniform in 2001. Left it up the the one Above, eating better, walking and living in the city and being active in the classrooms of the children I teach.  But apparently, I have to accept I am getting older, I can't get away with just not doing anything intentional anymore.  There was never a plan to be this close to 200 lbs. EVER. Not even when I'm gonna use the excuse of being pregnant to eat whatever THE HELL I want. Nope. I even had the intention of being away from double digit clothing until then. But 10s and 12s for my lower half came and went... and remain thanks to 32s being needed in premium denim. GAHHHH I'm over it. Me and this body will get along, I love it, I just have to be better about showing it.  Yea, no... there are no resolutions in this blog as to how that's all gonna happen. I have to get to the bottom of it first before i start workin out the wrong places all willy nilly. Im gonna meet with my friend and personal trainer first.  No one knows how much of a big girl complex I've had.. for years. and I really don't wanna get into it now either. sorry.  There have been laughs offered the day I found out... and just remembering the funnies that have been shared about my weight over the years... 


" Momma Solid...; I could see those hips getting bigger for childbirth... you'll look gooood; you got some Birthin' hips Woman...; you're not heavy, u look good, awesome naked i SWEAR i'd tell you otherwise...; Clearly you wasn't meant to a little gal... Just remember muscle weighs more. You may just have a solid body...."


I. am. solid. SOLID as a Rock... a 5'8 brownskinned one. I'll keep it up top whenever... however... I come to some conclusions and plans. I KNOW BIKRAM is comin back in my life... Red Meat is goin away until my body screams for the iron once a month or my anemia really gets the best of me. flirty girl? are crunch gyms still in chicago... they had a workout I was interested in. guess I'll say hello to crunches again... le sigh. more updates to do. 


Tiv

Just a day...Just an Ordinary Day

woke up this morning, simple as it began...
tank top + boyshorts... ridiculous bed head and...
it. hit. me.
The bottom fell out, yo.
I miss LA and I'm sayin it.
I'm moving back and I'm sayin it.
Soon and I'm sayin it.
Lately I've been physically feeling
every.
single.
thing.
Confusion= scalp itches
Anxiety= legs weaken
Heart Break= feel it beating stronger to repair itself
happiness= my cheeks tickling and i take in so much more of life... breathing DEEPLY, like my lungs wanna be on the outside of my shell

I'm moving back w/my dreams, connections and actions and plans... whowantsummadispie?
lesson in tow- one must live and overcome challenges in their WombHome before being able to make it happen in unchartered territory

Twinges.

Sell me Candy

Sometimes a girl needs to be sold a dream.

I'm not the true traditional girl by no means... but i'd like to think that possibilities are endless upon new encounters. While i know sometimes... The "NSA" arrangements are needed by everyone... included is me. lol... I can't even get into it. Let me just tell you... showing how much of a cocky playboy you may be... ain't getting you closer to... how do you say it... "Le Panties" It's oddly for the first time pushing me away. I mean no, I never went for that type anyway... but i think because this game... is so close to a game I'd played many times before that I'm beginning to realize how silly, degrading, and unattractive it is. How it confuses the universe about what you really want to have. How it speaks to karma and its hands in the work of that universe. How being that way ends so many possibilities... even the ones that i would prefer with you above all that physical mess. Besides... all of the innuendos are making it worse. I feel like... *sigh* Over it. iono... think we should've just stuck to selling dreams... at least we could blame the ends on bad sex or something like irreconcilable differences. He seemed like a dude i'd like to have around for the sake of having around... not one of those in case of emergency brothers, not one of those blame it on the alcohol cats, just a man that i can respect, celebrate, chill and shoot the shit with from time to time

*growl* I gotta make a post about the single girl chronicles, lol or at least the funny things that are happening to this (pretty... as in relatively)single girl. My friends think it's a RIOT

Settling in... Settling down

I moved in my new place. It has its perks. and very few downers...
It's small... but i am determined to "Make it Work" i miss project runway...
I can have a pet... unlike the apartment i still salivate for... that's 3 blocks away... I'mma get that place back. That drama... and that girl is on facebook?!?!?!?!?

questions have been swirling about as i'd prepared to return back home. "what is it gonna take for you to sit your Arse down?" when are you gonna finally stop moving so much?

the answer...

Now....ish?

I'm 26 and i'd like to gather focus around a few things...

Google Me babi...

well at least he did.

sent me messages... using details from my profile... shooooooot details even I forgot.

I was a lil disturbed. gotta privatize my profile... STAT.

You Look Good to Me

no seriously you do...
i went crazy for a sharp dressed man.
the whole shebang... shoes, tie, blazer, well fitting jeans... other adornments... clean cut hair... beard...
then... you have a brain.
you have style... i kinda get why the term "swagger" was invented...
Props to you...

little girl

on my first Red Line ride back in Chicago.... I saw the little girl.

she had an afro.

a Big... Happy... Free... Proud... one.

she was beautiful.

a beautiful i missed while away in LA.

I'm home.

In all black

While walking down 57th...
i had on a black and grey striped tank top... black leggings... gladiators... and belt. hair looking black and black aviators.
on a mission: to find my jump drive at fed ex.

a older woman says... i brighten up the street.

I love having my ego stroked from time to time... who doesn't?

Mommy Dearest

at 4 a.m.
in a conversation with a friend
yes 4 a.m.
they said to me...
"I can't see you ever becoming a mom"
"You don't seem like you'd need a man to do it"

the cherry on top of so many others asking... what will it take for me to finally sit down... settle down in a place...

guess i need to take a step back and look at the path(s) i'm taking my life... when this body makes me settle down... what do i want to have... what do i want to reach for... what do i want to have had... in my life by then?

Not the Girl you used to know

I lived like a teenage boy. Crazy Libido. "Free" Love. Invincible. Flaunted what i didn't have... and those were not the flaws.
"Knew" more ppl that i cared to focus on... I had other cool things on my plate.
Whenever i see a person from my past.. or I agree to hang out with them... they are still stuck on that girl. Years have passed... experiences had. opportunities taken. lessons practiced, failed and succeeded. I have been living my life. "You" haven't been in it. In that time... I have grown... I failed to make the assumptions that they probably did too. They always remind me what happens when you Ass.U.Me.
I played with vanity... always had the hair done- permed, braided, colored... HAD to be in some heeled shoe. Tailored and calculated each time i went out the house. In the shop, getting the toes done... getting my gel set filled and eyebrows waxed. Using makeup and all kinds of lip gloss and stains.
I just wanna say... I am not that girl.
Now I live in beauty. I've let go of the chemicals... and wear my hair fro'd out.... or in my 70s style blowout because i let my hair behave as it wants... and usually regardless how i "tame" it... it will always be big, thank you hair follicles. I wear heels when necessary, but i love flip flops in the summer, bare feet in my house, and a great pair of boots. I'm not as tailored anymore, but i have definitely found the mastery in what works for my body. I like my nails free- they never needed any help really, thanks to my dad... but none of that alteration that i used to do. I do not wear nail polish at all. My eyebrows... are wild... but they have always done their own arching... i won't lie... the wax is calling me. i wear lip balm... that gives me just enough shine but mainly... the lips are always soft and that matters more than making them look like an aroused vagina. and don't act like you didn't know that why lipstick was invented in the first place.
I just wanna say... I am no Longer that girl... I've become a woman... the kind of woman i'll be is still being written.

The neighborHOOD

so once i landed back in Chicago. I stayed where my heart is. Back in my mom's house in Markham. a suburb a little distance away from the home i made for myself in Hyde Park. I got to see the neighborhood... reminisce on what made it liveable when i was young, escapable when i was older, and saw too many ppl from my "youth." I hadn't realized it had been that many years since i've really seen anyone here. Im tellin you... as soon as 18 hit... I was out. Came back a couple years later, but never really stayed in the neighborhood. So... for some of the ppl that I spent time with during my stay... they hadn't seen me in 8 years! I realized... I. am. Not. "Hood." and i'm having my own debates of if that's a good or a bad thing. Leaning more towards the good... but it feels like i'm turning my nose up at my past. hate that... but the codes i've switched between for the steps i've taken since... there are no "look backs"

irony at gate 7

i'm standing at the gate... the one that... a little shy of 2 years ago. i told my mom that I was going to move to LA. argued up and down that this is where i was going to go. fighting a few tears from anger mixed with the scary of the proclamation. Here i am after what's short of a year at the same gate... returning to Chicago. ahhh... Alanis. "Isn't Ironic..."

So I watched Hancock the Other Day

with my LA-ex.
He'd better understand that I still love him- especially the way he provides perspective of things to me. We noticed and thought maybe...

"Our strengths and superpowers, all that makes us the great that we are... may be better celebrated and utilized when we're farther away from one another"

so... let's pray one of us doesn't get shot in the next 2 days, cuz then we'll have our 2000 mile shields and armor back in place.

Chicago HERE. I. Come.

UpDates of Le List

alrighty... the Pod came Last Tuesday and went this past Friday... that helped me...
finish all my laundry and pack ALL of My Stuff!

Made it to the Post office and...
Changed my mailing address!

Did all the work I needed to do in terms of job hunting and started the ball rolling on the to do's in the event that doesn't happen so...
I have interviews to attend! and checks being created... i think.

went to the movies and...
stayed awake during hangover! good movie, haven't made it back yet though for Transformers and Harry Potter'll be released in Chicago shortly after my landing so that's on the list!

did some OCD research on the puppy i want... I think I am goin for the Boston Terrier...a Red one or one of the other random colors that have been bred. Found a few breeders right in Chicago too! yaye for no plane travel fees!!!

had and entire Beach weekend...
even visited a dog beach with the Reason's lil shiba inu puppy... the puppy isn't ready for the ocean. he's barely ready for the water sprayed by the groomer. poor puppy.

no Mikee or Mike time because my time's been filled with all those things and spending time with the Reason I came to LA in the first place...

funny how i'm livin here like i like the place, when i'm headin out... Wednesday morning... HA!

ForADarkGirl... a Rant. a Rave.

So Summer brings the bronzed... red... rich tone of my skin out for the world to see. i guess a few tank tops and strapless maxi dresses also add to the sight to be seen, but lately... LATELY... at leasta few times a year i get the same crap: "You are pretty for a dark girl" chocolate skin... thang... queen... beauty... etc etc etc. SHUT UP. Celebrate my pretty for the sake that it's just THAT. For waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many years, I've dealt with this... For the most recent years I've just learned to love EVERY part of myself. For ppl to only acknowledge this layer of me... IRKS me. done with the rant.

I LOVE MY
heart.
mind.
spirit and energy.
hair and its ways. my crooked middle finger
my hands. my back side. the perks and the eventual sags.
my voice, especially when i curse.
my style and everyone's interpretations of it.
my Skin.
AND YAYE FOR SUN GIVING ME THE ADDITIONAL GLOW!!!!

yes... that was the RAVE.

HomeIn2Days!

The To Do List

Get a Job

Change My Address

Pack ALL My Stuff

Do Laundry

See hangover and NOT fall asleep

Eat a Meal with Mikee. Celebrate Mike's Birthday no matter how far past his birthday it is.

Hang with other LA friends, invite em all to Chicago

Find a Boston Terrier or...Bugg Breeder

See Transformers 2 and Harry Potter

Be on the Beaches of Cali as many times as possible before... July 8th

Enjoy LA like a resident cuz that time is dwindling down

Send messages of Love to those I love... Show em better too

Give these Doc Boards back now that I'm done

Multitaskin a way too much at the moment... BUT i just wanted to say I'm alive and doing things.

Be back when I've crossed a few things off the above!

Chance Meetings

Meeting a Cycling Group that loved the photos I captured of their ride.
An amazing woman in marketing that just thought I looked familiar because she saw me once or twice in Chicago
A wise woman from Atlanta that put it all in perspective
A man that challenged who I am in relationships
A group of women that have molded my definition of friendship
A group of men that have also molded how I feel about platonic friendships between women and men
Co Workers that have become women I hope remain my mentors and friends
A Cohort that continues to inspire me and my practices in education
California Family and Children that I will carry with me as I continue to move on
Those that I've adopted as muses... as my inspiration
California and its experiences... they were all met for a reason
I am empowered, positive and ready for the next leg(s) of my journey... care to be a chance meeting and tag along?

HomeComing

I will be home by the end of July. Put THAT in the universe!

I'm leaving LA... bit of money in hand... and a plan.

Send Crazy Luck!

Awesome Commentary

"Reading your blog is like watching Memento"

- S. Williams

Friend and Fellow Bad Ass

i. love. it

The Little Things

Singing happy birthday at midnight. stroking the side of my face. singing together. people watching.  dancing on top of the bed. those walks. those hugs. playing with my fingers.  waking up in the middle of the night to find myself stuck under your legs.  Making sure the temperature's just right for you because you're always colder than i am.  wiping tears away from my face before i had to say goodbye when i moved.  the kisses on my forehead, shoulder, my neck, all because they're there. the kisses i plant on your shoulders, the ones i give to your neck when i'm on my tippy toes.  playing with your hands.  The mirror we make of ourselves.  always asking how i've slept.  Thinking of me and what i may need or want and then making the call to make sure i need those things whenever you're away and coming to be with me.  letting me be the spunky independent girl i try to be but still holding my waist whenever we cross streets.  never walking ahead of me when we're out and biting your lip when i sometimes walk ahead of you.  asking for my help.  the emails. the communication we have.  the way you asked- "when can we make it official/is it our time now?"

sidenote- i'm beginning to forget your face.  i'm beginning to forget us.  The timing of this breakup was better.  this was clean. thank you for deciding to let go.

She asked- how did you stay so long, knowing he had "that problem?" 3 years, what? "how did you fall in love and love, knowing he had "that problem?"

And... back

The look in your eye whenever we have a  moment to be in quiet. your patience. our getaway plans.  sharing enthusiasm for vintage cars.  your bravery. showing up hell or high water because it had been SO long since we'd seen each other.  the pains i felt that night, because... we had to behave as strangers. the freedom that is now had.

Much Ado About Nothing

i become more of a geek everyday

I like being around my children... 

We had a blast throwing our All Kid Birthday Party

More allergic to nuts than i thought

SWINE FLU... i know it ain't gone... 

I love all of my boys... thank you for being in this life- Nathan, Ray, Mosi, Phil

My Girls... Stacie, Mai, Ama, Ultra, Cae, Kei, Abby, Mika... thank you for sharing your lives with me.

letting me be the hippie.

He gets me. like not many else can. tears, his words, eyes and voice are like the best "binkie" ever. i swear.  if things could've been created years ago... imagine where we'd be.

RelationShips(and their ends) in the Technological Age

Facebook- untagging a person in your photos... removing things that associate you and that person to a relationship together... anxiety about changing "status" because that means it's really over... waiting for when one person will finally change theirs so you know it's ok to change yours. waiting... especially since i was the one that ultimately caused the breakup.  afraid to announce any new romantic prospects because it may be seen as hurtful... disregarding another's feelings.  Not leaving comments on one another's page... when all i wanna say is "All hails, official now, Congratulations! You're a Doctor, wish you the best"

T Mobile- changing my fave five and being confused as to who and how the hell someone else took the place of that person, when i was the one who manually changed the person in the list.  not used to not seeing the heart that represented that person when they were in the list.  deleting the contact from both the fave five list and my sim card... but still vaguely remembering the number.  Remembering how everyone used to speak of the handicap everyone has when it comes to remembering numbers thanks to cell phones and contact lists. Feeling odd that the habit of sending morning txt msgs to him is now no longer part of my routine... and that it is now someone else. 

Myspace- the same angst in changing status and any references to the relationship in my profile. i should delete that profile... anyone still on myspace like that? who'da thunk facebook would finally be taking over the universe... 

Yahoo- being the connector throughout the day to whom i now "spend" my morning communication with.

Blogger- being abusively open. saying what might be Sea Salt to open wounds.  saying i've opened up to new prospects and they give just enough of what i can handle now. biting my nails that he doesn't visit this site because i've posted this link on... Facebook

Full Circle... Ha. 

More careers to pursue... or just Entertain... Hobbies?

Entomologist- moreso a Butterfly... Caterpillar enthusiast thanks to my children.

A Still Life Photographer... had so much fun with Mai in the Rose Garden... Yes I took both of those photos.  But i can be humble and say... I had a great camera, too.

A quirky relationship... or sex therapist.  I remember when Kei suggested that to me, when we were freshmen in college... HA.

Good Morning LA... Good Afternoon Chicago

So... I updated everywhere I could... and what a difference 2 months make:

THE GIRL IS:

still Tivia, Chantivia, Tivi, Chantivia Marie, Tibie, Tiv

26 years around the planet earth

LA transplant for probably only a few more months... undecided

No longer in the LA relationship and living in the building of others

Daughter

Sister to 9

Aunt to 30 plus

Friend

Artist

Teacher

Dreamer

Aries

and... looking for work again, in either LA or Chitown... preferably ChiTown since it appears that my salary history intimidates many LA schools that are in need of one with my qualifications.  Funny stuff, seeing as I took a pay cut to take on my recent work.  I'm so gonna start a "Just Get Tivia Home" Fund... any contributors?  I mean, you can even start with a dollar :-)

The girl still Lives... Learns... Loves and Moves... hoping you're doing the same.

Bring out the romantic in you

visit this blog from time to time... Remain hopeful that the love you desire can come and someone out there may be visiting and believing in this blog too...

1,001 Things I Want In A Lover

Why

"can't people just love and shut the hell up? Ride that shit out and let it be what it'll be? All the questions and doubts... Jeeeesh."

"I have an idea:  Let's do this.  Let's be in love, love each other and let love do what best it does.  Stop doubting each other, challenge one another, see the flaws and beauties... so on and so on."

2 of my favorite texts.

Love. Me. Right.

with... Passion, no white picket fence, show a love that our children can recognize and understand.  Encouragement.  Celebration.  Acceptance of flaws and strengths.  Laughter. Amazing Intimacy.  Walks and Talks.  Laying in bed on Sundays.  Sharing my hideouts, exploring yours.  Respectful of my past and sensitive to how it affects my present and future. Thrills.  Fights. Silence. Friends.  Independence.  Support.  Loving love.  Reminders of the moment love was discovered.  Flowers(i know, right?) Cooking.  Traveling.  Family. Hobbies shared.  Healthy debates.  Music. Dance with me.  Singing Loudly.  Loving Loudly.  Morning smiles.  Goodnight kisses. Midday caresses.  Letting Down My Guard.  Felling safe and confident that we are in this together.  Hold my hand.  Kiss my face like that.  Be there when I get home.  Making and learning from mistakes.  Making plans. Talking in bed... under the covers.  Balance. Making our traditions.  Naps.  Errands. Play in my hair.  Rub my Back.  stay close to me while we sleep.

Bottom Bitch

I can cook. Clean. Read. Write. Dream. Think. Go on whims, and make plans so detailed you'd think i was obsessed.  Be our cheerleader.  Fuck. Suck. Lick. Kiss. Tease you and give all you want on command.  Scream at the top of my lungs and know when to bite my tongue.  Fight all night but also put up my white flag.  Be stubborn as hell. Apologize.  Be the woman your mom always asks you about.  Be under you enough and be just as happy giving you space, cause, HELL i could use space too.  I will dare you to dream and do whatever part i need to do to ensure its manifestation.  I am free spirited and confident enough to let you do you at times because I demand the same from whoever chooses to love me.  I can show you how good it is to Like the person you Love.

Perception... OR at 26, Am I Expected

To... want to be married.  Want a major relationship.  know my sexuality and pick a classification.  be in my career.  have a nice savings account.  be submissive.  keep my mouth quiet.  listen and take heed to other's words of advice and not follow my own feet.  begin paying attention to my biological clock.  get a pain in my brain whenever i attend a wedding and it make me reflect on my textbook single status?  Expectations unmet.  Enjoy deciding if I'm above or below yours.

PolyAmorous

I love many.

Many I Love.  

Him because he's patient.  His touch.  That one because of his brain and integrity.  Her because all of that damn SWAG.  That one because he inspires me.  Because it's leveled and safe.  Because he challenges me.  She Loves me the way I was, the way I am, and the way i hope to be... so does he.  Him because he constantly lives in moments that make me admire him.  Him because I was afraid of his love when I had it. That one because he had me make the choice to stand up.  Because they demand that I am better, that I live.  I love him, because I do.  I love him because he lives with me in my dreams... entertains them in life, too.  I love him because he decided to walk away from the hurt I induced.  Love him because he demanded that I not settle and constantly reminded me that I didn't belong in certain places.  I love her because she's beautiful.  

I remain in debates with a friend of mine about 3 part relationships... and have come to conclusions... A person has to be strong enough in a 2 partner monogamous relationship before the thoughts of giving the commitment to 3 can even be played around with.  I'll continue working on my 2 ppl monogamy til then and let this rest on the back burner.

Dreams Deferred

Artists. Musician. Teacher.  Traveler.  Homeowner.  Restauranteur. Entrepreneur. Dancer. Bikram enthusiast. Passport Filler. Graduate and Post graduate student. Lover. Happy.

Lies and WithHoldings

I've cheated.  Kissed girls and more. Had more partners than I know was needed.  Your breath stinks.  I don't like your outfit.  I ache for the touch of you.  I am not one of you and I'm so happy about it.  I knew about your intentions before you decided to tell me.  I love someone else, too.  He moves me in a different way.  I don't know who my one is.  I'm afraid of loving.  I don't know how to trust when love comes around.  I'm still building my love's definition.  I miss being with girls.  I'm still in love with a girl I couldn't have.  You, Sir, need a vasectomy- that mess is Flippin RiDic.  I'd give it up for you.  I don't feel safe enough to stay with you.  If i do this for you, what will i get?  DUDE, I really liked you.  He would be 9 by now.  That night was the night I knew this needed to stop.  That night I knew I wanted this to begin.  You won't have pretty children.  I wanted to see the fruition of us so badly... I stayed around waiting.

Returning to Chicago

Nathan said it best... and I love him even more for it.

"Polar bears don't belong in the Rockies."

is now classic.

03.12.2009

so... 2moro became Thursday. I'm missing home. I suck at understanding that whole import/export blog things. but anyway, by making this blog, I'd decided to leave my old ones... but not without checking out my life from their past. It still speaks to my present and my futures. I so wanna share that stuff here... so i'm gonna: a snippet

08.27.2008- in 2 days... well less than 48 hours now i believe... i will move onto begin sharing my life with *him* in California.  i. love. them. like nobody's business and i will miss how easy it is(most of the time) to get us together.  i'll miss the moments of wandering i often got myself into and the gems i'd found for myself, but i will find my space in california.  this is an opportunity to live the way i want to live, starting anew but still having parts in place for me to retreat to if i scrape my knee, those parts found in *him*, *her*... my handpicked family within the crew here, back home.

And the today of the above- 

I live in LA. *He* remains the man i love. *They* remain those i miss the most.  I'm comin home to visit in 2 weeks!  I am not really living the way i'd hoped to, sometimes i get so weak i consider returning home.  i don't wander here. the space i found for myself to wander, lol, live, lol is not where i live... funny... kinda.  Many parts of me are figuratively scraped... need some healing. LFDY!!!!!! get some band aids.

i'm probably gonna return to my intentional blog for tonight... later

Live.Learn.Love.Move

-Tiv

03.09.2009 ToDay is MonDay

today... it starts. i've never been one to blog properly- silly yahoo... then myspace... then strayed away from xanga many, many, times.  I started this blog for so many reasons. Mainly, my accountability- this forces me to pay attention to my life, that i always chronicle it in some way.  This makes sure that in what i do from this moment forward, that i make sure to also pay attention to the others in it.  A small introduction:

I AM

Tivia, Chantivia, Tivi, Chantivia Marie, Tibie, Tiv

26...almost

South Burbs Native. Chicago liver and lover, newly, not so newly transplanted in LA

Girlfriend to someone i love

Daughter

Sister to 9

Aunt to 30 plus

Friend

Artist

Teacher

Dreamer

Aries

i decided to start this blog... 2 weeks ago. and now just got more fire up my ass to do so. have so much to say, think, push out of my head so i can get to the doing that needs to get done. so here's where the mush will go.  tomorrow... i'll share my purpose(s)

Live.Learn.Love.Move

-Tiv