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stay tuned for a blog abt the ideas brewing in the heads of my circle and me!

thanks :o)

My Birthday

03.30.10 9:27pm
final day of 26... a reflective purge to make way for what 27 has to fill me with.
lands on a Wednesday and I'll be working... but today is the most awesome day in Chicago... 70 degrees? whaaaaaat?

anywho... 26 taught me...
to always and forever hold the highest regard for the voice of my spirit...going against it is a BAD look. ALL BAD, lol
that its not bad to find compromise with a partner(in any arena)... but never ok to compromise yourself
to recognize my talents... the things that are great within me and stop the doubting that i am enough but will always strive for being better
to go for what i know... to pursue my dreams... and those that belong on the path will always surface
oh!!! and that money management is BAWSE.. shoutout to LA and the cost of living

Things that i still need to acknowledge, verbalize and be proactive about... I'm ready
everything i must challenge
everything i must practice and
everything i must learn during this year

The Aries in Me has some things to grow with like...
the need to commit and submit
balance work/play dreams and realities
my fears/self doubt

Some nostalgia
my mom's tradition... my name...
every year... at 9:07pm my mom calls me and tells me the story of her pregnancy with me... the labor and the legend of my name. It changes every year mind you, so i don't think i ever wanna know where my name really came from. I love that i get the best story ever told to me from my momma. I intend to do the same for my children when they enter this world. i love being her child and being forever the baby of my family.

my tradition... and yours.

what you'd been waiting on right?

so... the eve of your new year... you should jot down things you want to release from the past year and a few things you want to welcome in the year ahead. the hour of the new year, you should burn the release list and keep your gain list with you. it speaks to the universe and even if it doesn't... its kinda self manifesting as you burn the release list? you're letting go and not giving that energy power anymore... the gain list stays with you... it keeps you focused and reminds you to work on letting those things be a part of your life.

so... Happy Birthday to me and Happy Birthday to you :)

Just a Day.. Just an Ordinary Day

Been a while since i did one of those regular.. here's my life kinda blogs... no themes. just life type deals. So:

WORK
I am WORKIN. It's drivin me crazy... and makes me remember why i was moving away from this type thing. makes me miss being in the classroom. where i was able to be creative EACH day. makes me want an assistant so i can focus. Im stayin no worries. but i'm like DAMN when's the fun coming back?

HOME
Ive decided to stay in my ittybitty apartment. I remember when i stayed in my studio and I was the happiest of clams. Something about living simply. Besides i found the most tempting of carrots that will keep me here until i'm ready to buy and rehab this home.

FAMILY
Did you know i'm the baby of 10? yep I am... uhm they're good. everyone's growing and i need to be a better auntie. that's bout it.

FRIENDS
man... they are thriving. my circle grows. im getting and recognizing the trend of friends as i age. we are moving cross lands. and maintaining. I am blessed to have so many near and far.

DREAMS
Cuz of the small stressors of my day job... my dreams are kickin even more aggressively. Look forward to my hands in community outreach, restaurants, retail, blogging, photography, art and... a magazine? if ya know me, i always end up doin the most in the most ways. whatever though i feel fulfillment comin on.

LOVE
single for all intent and purposes... my loves are livin. ive invested in me, my fam and friends so im not focused that hard. prolly bringin me to SBF issues(THIIIIIIS SHIT-yea a blog on that soon) im a lil busy... a lil scatterbrained... and a lil turned off by some of the present suitors... there is one though. wish she wasnt so far away. womp. ciest le vie

Good enough? yea... hope so.

bye ya'll.

PolyAmory or am I just greedy?

A question i started posing to myself about five years ago. See, I've done monogamy. I've done open relationships. I've done cheating. I've ran the gamut.

Anywho, after all these dynamics in about 2005. i started thinking about polyamory- is that what my problem is? that i fall so strongly that i love so deeply specific aspects of my partners. that i wanna visit the build-a-bear workshop for love? that we all have that habit- if we could pick and choose these things from these people that we would have no reason to stray.

In talking with one of my friends that lets me question all that is relationships... we started his conversation. He would ask me what my ideal partnering would be. i told him:
I want to have my woman, my man, our children. our home. Where we would love support encourage and challenge each other.
Rather Utopian of me, right? But its what i wanted. It's what i want. Its something I would love working toward. Setbacks come in the fact that I'm attracted to lesbians not bisexual women. most have hated the fact that I'm bi. but the fact that i can be monogamous, they've tolerated me. The men i attract, want the fantasy of it all and are primarily attracted to the bisexual women i do not want. so that doesn't work.

Three years ago, i had the opportunity to meet a "family" that had the pieces of the puzzle i wanted... but the dynamics in their relationship, hurt. It seems as though the man had placed this expectation on one. And that woman loved him that much... his down ass bitch... that she accepted what he claimed to have needed. she looked unfulfilled. unhappy. empty. It discouraged me. so i went back to one-on-ones. Thinking maybe my dream is wrong.

being young though, i was like well that's them... wont be me. That i can still create this relationship and it all work for me. MY UTOPIA WILL EXIST!. being the Ram, i see BIG and ignore details... think, finding partners that are "down" for the cause. finding partners that are willing an open to love each other. finding partners that can handle the sharing of ALL things in the relationship physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

Fast forward... I return to Chicago, and the same friend and I go through it.. adding more to the question: what's the fear. what's the makeup of the family. do you care about other people's views? how will you combat all that? i had answers... then BOOM! he gives me a book to read.

I start reading. I feel normal. I feel at ease and almost tried to turn this book into the gospel. Caught myself though. and just used it to hold onto and feed my own power. I haven't started living the poly amorous lifestyle or anything. I'm chilling but it made me less apologetic about my views and practices.

I do not offer myself into relationships that wont meet where I am. I still wont settle and go less for whenever the relationship I'm ready for presents itself. Remember I was months away from marriage and pregnancy plans... months ago. I cannot half ass whatever's next. nope.


I really don't know where this will go.. but i just had to get it out.

to be continued...