A question i started posing to myself about five years ago. See, I've done monogamy. I've done open relationships. I've done cheating. I've ran the gamut.
Anywho, after all these dynamics in about 2005. i started thinking about polyamory- is that what my problem is? that i fall so strongly that i love so deeply specific aspects of my partners. that i wanna visit the build-a-bear workshop for love? that we all have that habit- if we could pick and choose these things from these people that we would have no reason to stray.
In talking with one of my friends that lets me question all that is relationships... we started his conversation. He would ask me what my ideal partnering would be. i told him:
I want to have my woman, my man, our children. our home. Where we would love support encourage and challenge each other.
Rather Utopian of me, right? But its what i wanted. It's what i want. Its something I would love working toward. Setbacks come in the fact that I'm attracted to lesbians not bisexual women. most have hated the fact that I'm bi. but the fact that i can be monogamous, they've tolerated me. The men i attract, want the fantasy of it all and are primarily attracted to the bisexual women i do not want. so that doesn't work.
Three years ago, i had the opportunity to meet a "family" that had the pieces of the puzzle i wanted... but the dynamics in their relationship, hurt. It seems as though the man had placed this expectation on one. And that woman loved him that much... his down ass bitch... that she accepted what he claimed to have needed. she looked unfulfilled. unhappy. empty. It discouraged me. so i went back to one-on-ones. Thinking maybe my dream is wrong.
being young though, i was like well that's them... wont be me. That i can still create this relationship and it all work for me. MY UTOPIA WILL EXIST!. being the Ram, i see BIG and ignore details... think, finding partners that are "down" for the cause. finding partners that are willing an open to love each other. finding partners that can handle the sharing of ALL things in the relationship physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally.
Fast forward... I return to Chicago, and the same friend and I go through it.. adding more to the question: what's the fear. what's the makeup of the family. do you care about other people's views? how will you combat all that? i had answers... then BOOM! he gives me a book to read.
I start reading. I feel normal. I feel at ease and almost tried to turn this book into the gospel. Caught myself though. and just used it to hold onto and feed my own power. I haven't started living the poly amorous lifestyle or anything. I'm chilling but it made me less apologetic about my views and practices.
I do not offer myself into relationships that wont meet where I am. I still wont settle and go less for whenever the relationship I'm ready for presents itself. Remember I was months away from marriage and pregnancy plans... months ago. I cannot half ass whatever's next. nope.
I really don't know where this will go.. but i just had to get it out.
to be continued...
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