Celebrated one of my best friend's birthdays this weekend... ended the night in the car, heat blasting... talking about current relationships/non relationships. why i've been avoiding them and came to some conclusions... which led to more thoughts... ideas... questions in need of answers.
I. am. single. and may very well be until my soul's partner presents themselves.
I've always wanted someone that will inspire me to move mountains. someone that will thrill me to share my private heart. someone that moves me... so i have no choice other than to move them.
but alas... I am single.
The guy i'm predominantly dating right now... asked me why i wont just give in. why he has to break me down when he loves me and wants me. I told him I was traumatized.
He knows my past relationship. the one that ended and brought me back to Chicago. I wasn't traumatized by him literally. but that relationship, as with any, i guess... has effected me to my core. I loved that man and didn't know all the ways to work at it... show it... share it. I loved that man... to the point that i entertained compromising myself for the sake of that love. I shifted myself... my plans... for the maintenance of that love. This year... I was supposed to be preparing to be a Mrs. and a mother.
Instead...i'm at square one so to speak. In a good way. Finding my footing again, working back towards the path I was set to follow...
Anywho. during that talk with my girl... she asked the same as he. My response. simple. I can't imagine going any less than where I had been and was willing to go for a relationship now. I cannot imagine doing any lesser for the next person. So until I feel that it's time for me to "go hard in the paint" again. I will not. I'm not ready to give all of that once more.
She then goes to say... well you've been dealing with him for some years now... that says something. but does it say, he ain't it? or does it say that he's it?
Later... we fall into conversation about roles... roles of Men. what we remember Men to be... what we need hope and want them to be... which days later, also brought the VV side- what about us as women? what is it that men are REALLY deep in their roots... wanting, needing, hoping to hold in the woman they choose?
Keepin my word... Part 2... 3... 4 even, in the days ahead.
Goodnight all.
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