Usually I don't do this but Uhh...

So... when it comes to emotional things... I am no pro.

You'll prolly be able to kiss me before I admit I like you. like I wont even say it after... you'll hear it like... weeks down the line. or in past tense when its all over and done.

Instance #1 dated a Thug when i was 18ish... remained cool... proper... only spoke to him when he called... only texted him when he hit me up. told me his secrets... showed me his guns. I learned to roll blunts from him. he took care of me. It was only after I left him that summer for freshman year... and saw him the following summer That i broke down and cried in his arms because I missed him so much.

Instance #2 First "adult" relationship we went right into shackin up. I was... 21. we struggled together... had the best times practicing the arts of LaDonna, small repairs... folding towels. laundry and using the warmer for dinner when he was out late... That man made me smile more often than not... but he didn't know it. I kept many to myself. like... doin laundry together and rubbin his ashy feet was a pleasure. lol We ended... and today I'm basically 27 and this is one of the first times I told him I love him without prompt. funny.

Instance #3 before my LAex became my ex... and we were just dating of sorts... lol i pushed him away.. only to admit that I kinda liked him while i was outta the country for a month. only to return and clam right back up like i never said a thing. He moves for his studies... and the week up to the move... I helped clean his place... and avoided him the rest of the week. and broke down over the phone. couldn't even tell him to his face that i'd miss him. funny.

Instance#4 Yea LAex... is now the ex... we spent a wonderfully dysfunctional week together while i moved. and I don't think i ever showed so much emotionally... voluntarily... until that week. almost 3 years later and I had a plane to catch.

Instance #5 the one that waited here... not sure if i was ever really in love there... but. he would often complain of me never being able to tell him freely that i loved him the way he loved me. I chose to actions more than anything there. lucky me.. he did more than enough to get on my nerves... so loving him was often in question. and... End Scene.

brings me to today... Instance #6 this one has been in my life and up the block from my world for years... like toddler years. He's watched me grow through all stages. witnessed and experienced the foolishness of my youth. All the while I psyche myself into ignoring him... romantically at least. So many little things make me giggle secretly about him. things that set him apart from the rest of his tribe. but he'd never know it.

asked him if he'd ever psyched himself out... slapped sense back into reality when he ever found himself drifting to an idea that doesn't need to exist. he claims no... so... i should practice that one. stop slapping. be in it. entertain it in mind and in action... let's see how this goes.

I never got to those feelings with women... romantically. Often they left me because of my wandering eyes... or thinking they could change me from Bi...to women only. didn't happen when they wanted so... dunzo.

I have no qualms about sharing any and every emotion with my friends... well hey captain obvious. i'd never been friends with any of these cats first. as with rich relationships should be. hmph. It was that pseudo-friendship that happens when you are makin the unspoken decision of categorizing a person. you know when you're still in the window of platonic VS romantic.

k... rambled enough. just needed to see for myself all the times I behaved like a punk chicken baby (miss my girl!) so be able to kick the punkchickenbaby in the guts now so i can move onto this lil diddy of a confession.

later.